Dear prof
so and so,
Through
some obscure mailing list I found this position at your new lab. Because I will
soon become unemployed, although not bored, and I work on exciting stuff just
like yours, but slightly different, I will be the perfect fit for this
position. Allow me to explain.
I have
worked on a lot of different projects, but all were high profile and super relevant. I have done experiments at nanometer scale, but I know how to upscale to
global and universal perspectives. For instance, my latest paper deals with why
everyone has always been wrong in this field. Currently I am preparing many
manuscripts on why my experiment was perfect.
I also did
a lot of teaching. I had the student from hell, so I am fully prepared to
lecture and supervise other hard cases. My solution to problematic students is
to yell at them and cry in exasperation and give them more and more boring
little tasks. I believe especially field-based learning is very important, and
I have a proven track record of exhausting and exasperating students under
abysmal climatic conditions. Please refer to my blog on that matter.
To
summarize, my interdisciplinary approach and experience in cutting edge
technologies will allow me to totally change the environment of your lab. Furthermore
I am a pleasant person to work with because I bake lots of cake to share. If
you invite me for an interview I will bring my famous chocolate geological layer
cake.
Sincerely,
Dr. Nina
